The Aftermath

On my way back from Killeen on Saturday, I called my sister who is always able to talk me back from the edge. Laura does not allow me to wallow in self-pity or beat myself up. As a matter of fact, she was viciously logical on Saturday when all I wanted was to be pathetic and embroiled in tumultuous emotions. (Of course, her husband, yelling out in Home Depot, that I was a closet lesbian, didn't help matters. Thanks, Lee!) At any rate, when I finally admitted that perhaps I had been over reacting... I was able to start thinking a bit more clearly and I had to agree with my sister. When the horse bucks you off, you gotta get back up there. So, as per my sister's advice, I went to the Barnes and Nobles near my house. I did after all only flirt with one boy and the goal was three ... so I turn into La Frontera .

A gentlemen holds the door open for me as I enter, I smile and thank him but I don't hold his gaze for 5 seconds...the man was just holding the door for me, for goodness sake!...in I go.WOW!!! I have never seen B&N this busy! There were TONS of people! "Alright!" I figured, "I can do this thing..." "Hmmmm.... what section shall I begin with?" I knew I couldn't go to my normal haunt, the Children's section. I would spend all my time thinking about curriculum, upcoming units and work. Not good. "Is there a vampire section?", I wondered. "I could use some replacements since I finished the Twilight series and Sookie--- hey, what was that author's name again? Oh, look, here's one... I wonder if it's any good... if it is I could give it to Kelly who needs to get her mind off of Edward.... Hmmm... where to go, where to go... oh it's a manga section! Well, let's see what's here... it leads into the sci-fi section and wow, there's female protagonists in the fantasy section...now, that's different from when I read fantasy back in the day...hey, they still print The Sword of Shanarra! ..." OMG! I looked down and I had SEVEN books in my arms and I can't remember seeing one person since that man opened the door for me. I look around feeling a little like a groundhog. Yes, it's still quite busy and there are still plenty of people, but what do I do? How do you meet someone in a bookstore? Apparently, all I know to do in a bookstore is to spend my paycheck... I shove the books onto a shelf, grab my cell phone and call Laura back. "can you hear me?" I whisper into the phone "what do i do? i have seven books and i don't know how to flirt in a bookstore... i'm spending money instead of flirting!" She tells me to just grab a book and page through it and periodically look up and smile at people but don't hold their gaze until someone looks back and stops. "okay," I whisper, "...talk to you later." I hang up and grab a book. I read the back blurb, hmmm interesting... I open up to the Prologue and NOOOO! Don't read this one, it looks interesting, I'll forget to look up again. So I put the book back and begin to wander toward the front check out. Wait, I will not buy seven books. I won't leave the house for a week because I'll have the perfect excuse... I have books to read. I stop to sort through books, remembering to look up and smile periodically.

And then I have to leave because I am so disgusted with myself.

I was cheating! I was smiling and flirting at men and boys that I would NEVER consider dating or even talking to. I was picking men who were with their mothers; I was picking young, college boys; I was smiling at very old gentlemen with walkers. I was NOT smiling at attractive men who looked cute or available...


I hate it when I lie to myself.