What DO I do all DAY???

So I mentioned to several friends that I am really doubting whether I taught anything all year-- today proved I have not.

Evidence #1
Gail wrote, "I pick up the can and gave it to the man."
I didn't go off about how we have been studying past tenses for the past two weeks--- no, I took a deep breath and said,
"picked-- you "picked" up the can. It doesn't sound right this way, you need to go back and add -ed."
Gail returned to her table, thought for a while, erased and brought me this back:

"I piedck up the can..."


Evidence #2 and 3:
We were reviewing the -an word family. (I told you we needed to!) and we were brainstorming words that fit in that word family. Juan Pablo raised his hand and said, "san"
No, Juan Pablo, that's not a word. It rhymes but it's not a real word."
"No, no, Ms, Klein," he lisps, "I mean like san. I like to walk on the san."
"Juan Pablo, the word is SAND-- there's a d on the end of that word. That's another word family."
"No, Ms, Klein, I mean like the san on the beach."......

Meanwhile Serenity is waving her hand madly in the air and I call on her,
"Oh, I know one, Ms. Klein. Han, like I am raising my han"....


I have less than 29 days to work a miracle, people...

What to do... What to do...

I've been thinking a lot-- something, unfortunately, that I am prone to do...this time I'm thinking about what people do with their lives (or not, as in the case of one of my sons-in-law) which causes me to reflect upon my own life. Then I realized that this is my third year in second grade. Three years of doing anything seems to be about my limit and here I still am, so I am wondering, what to do?

Three years ago, I was in an emotional mess as I was trying to figure out what my next move would be. I was leaving the position of librarian which I loved dearly. Why did I leave? I will verbally tell you that I left because I did not complete the requirement of obtaining my Master's Degree in the required amount of time. But in my head I am screaming that I had had enough of Higher Education. For those of you with military backgrounds, it was BOHICA, baby, ALL... THE... TIME. I can't tell you how much I hate Higher Education! In college, you're on your back for four years... a Master's Degree requires looking at your toes... I guess a PhD requires scraped knees and a willingness to swallow... It's not for me...but after barely making it out of high school I never in a million years would have thought that I would be NEAR education much less a teacher.... crazy. That just shows you to never give the Universe the finger and tell it you'd never... (insert your own thing you wouldn't be caught dead doing). (Yeah, I even dated a used car salesman...kill me!)

But I'm good at it...teaching, I mean..... Dammit.

Can I blame it on Paulo Freire? His book, "Teaching as a Subversive Activity" inspired me then as it does now. But it's not easy working in a system undercover... and it isn't easy trying to change a a behemoth from the inside. But I do my best... for those 18 kids... every day.

One of the songs at my funeral is... sorry... WILL BE, "The Authority Song" by John Mellencamp (I think he was actually called Johnny Cougar at the time, but I can forget that because the song rocks!) If I can't have "Hells' Bells" by ACDC as the processional (coming in), then I want "The Authority Song". It's my life-- a sad statement, I agree, but there it is. For those of you wondering, Molly thinks "Hell's Bells" would be too hard on my family.

I have a sewn patch about 7" in diameter from my time in Korea (Thanks, Uncle Sam!). It shows a hawk swooping down on a mouse for the kill. The mouse is standing up facing the hawk, flipping him off. I think I want that engraved on my headstone.... but I'm not sure I want a headstone yet....

All in all, I guess teaching hasn't been too bad for me... I mean, if I'd have to assign a position to it, I'd give it a 69.... I've been to New Zealand, Japan and now I'm going to Scotland, so, the die has been cast and I will stay in 2nd grade another year. But I can tell, I'm ready to move on.. find another path to tread... it's time to stretch out and grow...and I wonder what I will become in this next reincarnation?

C'mon sing it with me now:

They like to get you in a compromising position
They like to get you there and smille in your face
They think, they're so cute when they got you in that condition
Well, I think, its a total disgrace

And I say:
I fight authority, authority always wins
I fight authority, authority always wins
I been doing it, since I was a young kid
I've come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority, authority always wins

So I call up my preacher
I say: gimme strength for round 5
He said: you don't need no strength, you need to grow up, girl
I said: growing up leads to growing old and then to dying,
And dying to me don't sound like all that much fun,

So I say:
I fight authority, authority always wins
I fight authority, authority always wins
I been doing it, since I was a young kid
I've come out grinnin'
I fight authority, authority always wins

I say Oh no!
I say, Oh no!
I say, Oh no!
C'mon Kick it in!
I fight authority, authority always wins
I fight authority, authority always wins
I been doing it, since I was a young kid
I've come out grinnin'
I fight authority, authority always wins

Our Identity

I was out yesterday to get my physical for Scotland done. As I entered the building today, I was greeted with no less than 3 people telling me that a friend had been in the office with the principal yesterday and both had been crying. We knew she had been in with the Learning Coach dealing with an emotional issue and several other things were a little peculiar as well, so the team had suspected something like this was in the works for a while and we mused about the possibilities. You see, this is the time of the year when everyone declares their intentions for the following year, ie. Who will not be returning? Who would like a new position? Who would like to change rooms, and what room they'd like to move into, all things like this get thrown out into the public forum. But, because I hate bad news and prefer to get it straight up and undiluted, I asked her about it at lunch. Our suspicions were confirmed as she told us that she wouldn't be returning next year. She was going to stay home and maybe do some volunteer work, and then she cried some more. And suddenly that delicious baked potato that I had to have instead of the salad I had originally intended to eat wasn't as savory as it had been in the first few bites. Where, oh where is a cattle prod when you need it? I need my jaw wired shut! She obviously wasn't ready to talk about it but because her hand was forced, she did... and then she went into the bathroom.

I tried to apologize after school but I realized that my apology was weak and pointless. The deed was done and there was not much more to say of it. What I wanted to say is how sorry I was that this decision was causing such a conflict of emotion-- but that is really the perfect reason to make it, isn't it? Whenever do we feel as alive as when we are swept away by strong emotion? That Does NOT mean that I think we all need to become emotional junkies creating a life based upon drama-- hey, I'm done with that! But think of the countless times we make the easy decisions that keep us trapped in a life of mediocrity? She's young. She graduated from high school, went to college, and became a teacher. A wonderful and noble profession, and yet it's one that I've thought of abandoning many times over... This seems to be the perfect opportunity to try out a new life. I can't even count on my two hands the number of jobs that I've held in my life... there's such a wonderful world out there and let's face it... teaching will always be there any time she cares to come back. Our educational system, as lacking as it may be in some areas, is not going anywhere rapidly. And I don't want her to feel that she needs an excuse! If you are able, because of life's circumstances, to take some time off to NOT work at all, I think we should. Life could go a bit slower, perhaps we would have time to craft a thoughtful response to the questions life dangles in front of us. In America, our thirst for prestige and recognition have distorted our view of what life is meant to be. We haven't moved all that far from the stern and hardworking Puritans that helped found this country but perhaps we have moved too far from the thoughtful men and women who were able to watch the world, think upon it and reflect and then reach out and change it for the better. How many Thomas Jeffersons or Jane Addams have you run across lately? Not too many, I would imagine. We are caught up in our job as our identity. And I am SO talking about myself here. You can just hear the pride in my voice as I introduce myself as a teacher because I SAVE THE WORLD EVERYDAY! But I am so grateful for the men who pick up my garbage each week that I make a point to go out to speak to them when I am home and they come by. I am grateful for the men who deliver gasoline to the local HEB so I can live my comfortable life without too much thought. My beautiful house was obtained through the wonderful work of two women who feel as passionately about people having the home they love as I am about the students I teach... I might be a teacher now, but I am so much more than that... as are you and is my friend.

I hope that my friend gets "the chance to dance along the light of day and head back to the Milky Way" in the words of Train. There's a magnificent universe out there and I hope we all get a peek at it at least once in our lives.

Kayla, we'll be waiting to hear all about it when you get back! Bon voyage!

To have Cable or not to have Cable, that is the question

So as I was driving this past weekend, I came to a stunning, somewhat mind-blowing thought. Now, these things happen on a road trip which is why I truly need road trips periodically to keep everything fresh. Nothing works to clear out the mind's cobwebs like the wind rushing through your window as you drive on the open road.... (Okay, I'm going to need a moment here.)

I'm thinking of canceling my cable service. There, I said it! I would not use my t.v. It works great but it's old so it weighs a gazillion pounds and it has a big black hump on its back that contains... well, whatever it contains. like picture tubes and electrodes and other television stuff, but I can hardly pick it up to move it and I'm a strong woman... I wouldn't need it. And why, you might be wondering, would I be crazy enough to not watch tv? Well it all started last Tuesday. It was the premiere night of the second season of "Fringe". I was so excited that "Fringe" was returning that I jumped up and did the happy dance. Anyway, so I was all geared up to watch "Fringe". I got my snacks together and positioned myself in the most advantageous spot in the whole living room and went to turn on the tv. First, I had to get up to turn on the tv because since the boys have come and gone, I cannot seem to find the back of the remote control which means the batteries fall out, but that's really not a big deal. I'm old enough to remember when EVERYONE had to get up when they wanted to change the channel because there were NO remotes. Then my DVR started doing this weird thing- it would play for 45 seconds, then it woud shut off. I would get a message saying to "Please wait a moment" and then it would turn itself on and it would take 5 minutes to go through it's little checklist procedure. Then the show would be on for 30 seconds when the tv would shut off again. I will spare you the particulars, but I was not using proper English at this stage of the game.

All night that crazy machine repeated that routine until at 8:45 when I gave up the idea of watching "Fringe".

The next day I came home from school and googled "Fringe". Within 5 minutes I was deep into episode 115, "Inner Child" and nothing was shutting off and restarting itself. AND I found out about the codes-- did you know those pictures at the breaks were a code??? I do, now! So why, I ask you, do I have a tv? I do use it to watch DVDs, so I'll keep the tv but why am I paying so much for cable when I do not take the time to watch it. What did I miss in El Paso? My blog and FB not the tv.... so tomorrow I'm going to call the cable company and find out if I have to have cable to have internet access. If I don't, I'll be saving a nice chunk o' change. If I do have to have cable, I'm looking into At&T's U-verse...

ADdIcITIoN

OMG! I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache-- throbbing hard enough to wake me from a very deep sleep. I rolled over, put my meditation CD on and assumed that I was just tired from the trip out to El Paso and having to go to work this morning. Within minutes my headache worsened and I was forced to get out of bed to find aspirin. As I stood in front of the cabinet I tried to figure out what kind of headache was I having-- a normal stress headache which means Advil or a sinus/allergy issue? As I stood there, the headache worsened until I almost thought I was having a migraine. I grabbed 2 Advil, got water and washed them down, got back in bed and restarted the meditation CD. Not 5 minutes later, I found myself fighting to keep the Advil in my stomach. My head was roaring and I was in the most acute pain that I have been in for quite a while. I knew I wasn't having a migraine because I have decided that I don't get them anymore, so what on earth was going on? I also knew that calling for a substitute on the first day back was unacceptable because I would be docked my pay! I spent a bit o' cash on my sweet boys and I pretty much need my normal paycheck anyway so...

I laid in bed trying to figure out what was going on with my body I realized that my headache was worsening (if that was even possible), my stomach was roiling, my muscles were weak and I was acutely sensitive to light and sounds. I was sweating, which is so unusual for me and my thoughts were richoceting around my head like a pingpong ball at an Olympics tournament. I had no focus whatsoever. I tried to think back to the day before to trace my day to discover what was going on with my body...

I got up at the normal time- 4:30-- 3:30 El Paso time-- dressed and left Melissa's house. (A little trauma there-- I hate saying good bye and prefer to slip away like a thief in the night but of course, my daughter and her husband sleep lightly and I was foiled in the attempt.) Melissa doesn't have a coffeepot and the Starbuck's was closed so I just headed out on I10. Driving into the night, there was nothing but a deep starry sky and a humming road for quite a while. By the time I got to VanHorn, I was wishing for some coffee but there just aren't any coffee shops in West Texas like there are in central and east Texas.... and I am NOT drinking horse piss just to have coffee! At Fort Stockton (actually Kent, a small town outside of Fort Stockton) I stopped, gassed up and got a Coke to abate the caffeine craving I was experiencing. Back on the road I was on the lookout for a Starbuck's sign or any coffee shop but I was feeling better because I had the Coke. Traffic was VERY light and the trip went smoothly until we were between Dripping Springs and south Austin and all I can say is thank god it was not anywhere near 5:00 because traffic was at a standstill for long lengths of time. I think it took longer to get from Convict Hill onto the freeway than it did to go through Harper and Fredericksburg....
I dropped Dad off, went to the post office and dealt with my vandalized mailbox, washed the car and gassed up again. Went home, showered, took a short nap, and went to HEB since my cupboards were BARREN. I went to Mom and Dad's for dinner, watched HOUSE MD and 24; came home checked my email; tried to decide on a Facebook entry to no avail, and just went to bed... nothing too out of the ordinary, so why was I feeling so awful?

Allergies? Stress? Missing my boys? Ahhh... no caffeine. What? Didn't I have several Cokes? Yes, but I had Coke Zeros-- no calories, no carbs and NO CAFFEINE. I was sadly enough in the midst of a caffeine withdrawal.

Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't make it better-- only time does that but I did need to make that fateful decision-- do I make a pot of coffee to ease this pain I was in-- or do I give up my morning pleasure...

Learning to tie shoes

This time of the year is always a little hard. I start looking at the kids to evaluate how the year has gone... who's ready to go onto third grade, who needs a bit more time... thoughts like that. It's also the time we have meetings with parents and guardians to talk about how students are doing and what modifications (if any) need to be continued next year. It was Monty's turn yesterday.

Monty is one of the boys I have been concerned about all year. He's smaller than the other children. He takes a great deal of time to process simple instructions. He flaps his arms when he walks in the hallway. His writing is labored and abnormally large. It is difficult to get a direct answer to a question, because of speech/ processing difficulties. He came in with a reading level of 8, which is about the middle of the year in first grade and is still behind because of fluency and comprehension-- or are those symptoms of his speech delays? (sigh) He plays easier with the Kindergarteners than with the second graders or even the first graders. The last straw came when I found myself at 5:15 pm on the hallway floor teaching him to tie his tennis shoes.

We'd been having a difficult week. Monty wasn't doing his work. Despite anything else about Monty, his behavior and willingness to work for me has never been an issue. Until this week. Several times this week, I watched as this little boy looked me furiously in the eye, his body quivering with rage as he refused to do his assignments.

"What" I wondered, "was going on?" This was atypical behavior and I was completely baffled by it. My reply to these standoffs is pretty standard as it has been honed by 18 years of dealing with defiant and raging children.

"I can see that you are very angry at me right now, but you still have to do your work."

And because there really is no reply to that statement, most children, including Monty, finally sit down and begin to work. Quite often it is work that will need to be redone later, but at this time of the interaction, the point is to acknowledge the feelings and then to move beyond them. Feelings are transitory. I know this because at one moment I think Monty will do just fine in third grade and then seconds later, I am positive that he should have never left Kinder.... Transitory. Really, how can a child who cannot tie his own shoes go on to third grade I wondered? Or SHOULD he? But my principal has been adamant about retentions-- and I agree with her. I have retained two boys in my career and neither has done well. So, what's the point of retention? But here I was again, playing mind games with myself-- should he? or shouldn't he be retained? Seriously, would he learn anything more by being retained?
And just who IS responsible for teaching children to tie their shoes?

The meeting with Monty's parent began with an overview of the interventions that were in place for Monty. I spoke briefly of his progress and began to talk about the recent unusual defiance that I was seeing in Monty when his mother interrupted me. She told us how much Monty loved me. She told about how he went home every night and told his family about everything I had done throughout the day. (I'll admit, I cringed when I heard that.) She told me how much I meant to Monty and how much she appreciated all that I have done for him and I knew then, why I had been seeing this defiance.

The next day was a deja vu as Monty stared at me with sparks coming from his eyes. This time though, I didn't use the standard reply that he expected. This time I looked at him and said,

"I will miss you, too. I am going on a short vacation next year, but when I come back, I will come over to your new school and see you. You can tell me about everything that you learned and you can show me around and MAYBE you'll even read me a book. But even though you won't be in this class, I will always love you.... Always... I promise."

He burst into tears and ran into my arms. As I hugged him back and soothed him, I wondered what will happen to this little boy after he leaves my classroom? Who will watch over him and take care of him? Who will give him extra time to complete assignments and who will demand better work from him? Who will listen patiently to a convoluted story and come out at the end with the understanding of what he actually meant to say? And who will help him find his way through a world that has been extremely harsh on a small 8 year-old child? There's so much to do yet. The time I have left with him is not enough time to accomplish everything that needs to be done. It's moments like this that I regret every second that I did not spend cramming all of my students full of all they needed, even though I know they need the laughter and the relaxation as much as they need me getting on them for not working as hard as I know they could. In the end, though, there is never enough time and I whisper prayers throughout the year to angels and anyone else who may be listening, "Let me have done enough for these children. Let them know what they need to know, despite all I have failed to do." And I found myself thinking that it's really not important WHO teaches you to tie your shoes-- it's just important that someone does.

Traveling

Since I've been told that I get to go to Chicago, my mind has been filled with traveling thoughts... If I could get a job traveling and then teaching about the places that I travel to... well, that would be my idea of the PERFECT job. The TRAVEL Channel just has to interview me!

So I'm going to Chicago -- prior to my trip to Washington D.C. -- prior to flying off to Edinburgh... How COOL is that??? I'm feeling pretty lucky (Even though I didn't win the set of Magic Tree House books and I'm not the winner for the HEB Excellence in Teaching award, and something else didn't happen but I've forgotten what it is... too many applications, I guess) I'M GOING TO CHICAGO, WASHINGTON D.C. AND EDINBURGH (and all of Scotland because if I can make it around Texas, I certainly can visit all of Scotland!) How fun!

But I won't be going to Chicago until next month so in order to tide me over my ROAD TRIP FEVER, I'm going out to El Paso. Yes, I am going to see my beautiful grandchildren and I'm going to drag them around El Paso taking pictures of all the historic sights to put into an interactive Promethean flipchart 'cause I told told the district I would make some of those things... and it would help my second grade team when we teach Texas history in Social Studies... and of course, I will use them in North Queensferry Primary School. So, no, it's not really a vacation (or holiday, as the Scots say), it's a field trip. ButitwillbeaFUNfieldtripbecauseIthinklearningisfunandmybeautifulboyswilllearn moreaboutthehistoryoftheircityandalltherestofusbenefitaswell. (pant, pant)

Which means I have to plan... LOTS of plans. The fun part... the dreaming and imagining part... (the figuring out what to put on the flipchart is the not-so-fun part) but it's all a part of THE TRIP. Which reminds me of other trips, and in my mind I go back to those memorable moments and relive them all over again. I enjoy them and savor them... turn them over a bit in my mind... then I dissect them, just a little, so I can figure out what it was that made it memorable. Then the possiblilty of recreating it can be had. Some things just can't be recreated like the startling turquoise color of the water of New Zealand... that's just an unexpected beauty that makes your soul sing as your heart flies into your throat when you first glimpse it. But then there's having a bagel boy at a regular morning stop and learning to hail a cab and having strangers ask you where the nearest subway stop is and for a while I pretend that I am a native New Yorker... those moments can be recreated. I can jam-pack experiences into an amazingly short amount of time. I can throw myself into a frenzy of sightseeing and things to do so that I am breathless and barely able to sleep. But I've also found that for me, it's important to find time to have quiet moments to sit on an irrigation wall listening to the sea swell against the shore while rushes dance in the wind and bullfrogs sing to each other as the townspeople greet each other in Japanese on their evening walks... those moments can be "recreated" as well by knowing that I need to leave time for the quiet to creep in...the time when I am doing nothing, moving nothing, just absorbing the sounds and smells and the beauty like a sponge. Just "being".

Which means that in El Paso, I will find time -alone- to go up onto Transmountain Road. I'll find time to to park and walk a distance into the desert to once again feel the dry breezes swirl around me carrying the scent of sage, dust, and creosote. I'll find time to listen for the swish of a reptile tail or the thump of a rabbit's bound to heal, albeit temporarily, my homesickness for the desert. For that's the other part of travel... it's price. Those moments that live so indelibly in my heart, the moments that I live for as I travel, always cost a slice of my heart.